Sorry it’s been almost a full month since your last letter, life has been incredibly topsy-tervy, and in full disclosure, I know what I’ve wanted to write about in response to your last letter but I’ve struggled with how I have been wanting to phrase it so I guess I’m just got to dive into it.
I’m so glad that you are finding community and writing a lot. It’s neat that you talk about sci-fi as a way to build a better future, since my last letter I picked up the book A Psalm for The Wild-Built. It’s in the sci-fi category of Solar Punk. My new favorite thing. It’s incredibly hopeful and it is the idea of what if humans, nature, and technology actually find a way to live in harmony in the future. If you need some hope I highly recommend it (when I have the capacity for it I’m hoping to write a post on here about it). And thank you for encouraging me to get into fantasy again. I’ve been trying to figure it out again and when I figure it out I’ll send something your way.
Also it’s funny that you mentioned writing about cowboys a lot. This is for two reasons; those being when I first moved to Wyckoff and was taking my first poetry class the first poem I wrote about wanting to be a cowboy in a spaghetti western. The second is because I believe that the cowboy aesthetic Is the perfect spectrum of masculinity (as you mentioned trying to discover in your letter). You have the cruel and uncaring man dressed in all black on one side, the knight in shining spurs in the middle about to sweep the leading lady off her feet, and the wandering dreamer on the other end.
For me, I’ll be honest have never fit under the label of culturally traditional masculinity, like the uncaring mocho man. But still I fell like a man. the times when I have felt the most comfortable with my body and the label of being a man was when I finally fully grew my beard. It made me feel like no one could dispute it. But obviously that is not the option for everyone. So i’ll try to define what being a man means to me.
And again I’l be honest I grew up with a father who being in the military was a huge part of his identity so I’ve always had a lot of discorse what it mean to be a man growing up. To me its a set of principles I feel obligated to live by or I just feel the desire to uphold; To stand up for what I belive in and do the right thing even when others will not, especially when others will not. I also see it as a job to be a provider and care and protect those who put there trust in me as a person to be there friend.
And not to say only men can fill these roles (I belive anyone can and should) to me I just feel that obligaction to do so as part of my gender. I will say though I am currently trying to figure out what it means to have a softer and caring side of masculinty when I was given the building blocks of men who held very tradtional views. and to be honest I could go on and talk about stuff like why andrew tate and joe rogan are so popular with toxic men but this is not really the time or place to do so (and I would have to spend at least a week best trying to figure out how to phrase it).
I dont want to give you any advice as everyones journey with masculinty (and gender) is there own path but have you thought about writing a letter to your masculine side and of all the things you like about it and the stuff you don’t want it to be? Someone else I heard talking about there own gender experience did it and it helped them. Obviosly you don’t have to listen I just like offering as many resources as I can to friends.
Also I’m a big believer that all men have a toxic stereotype built deep within themselves. Meaning deep within me If I were to let my toxic masculinty out I would become either a frat dude or a film bro. it’s something fun to think about and maybe yours is Don Draper (not to say you are him but he could your the inner frat dude, haha). But whatever it is I hope you are learning to love yourself with each part of this journey and feeling more comfortable with yourself.
On a way less serious note I watched Flow with my brother the other day and it was so good like you recommended (did you see it won best Animated Movie of the Year?). I’m honestly jealous though of the fact that you find crying so easily. Its something I have been the past few years trying to get better at but struggle to do. I’m a big feeler as many of my friends say so I think life would be easier if the water works were easier to access. Call Me By Your Names is on my list though I just need to find the right time to emotionally watch it. I do highly recommend watching Conclave (If you havent already seen it) though I think you would get a kick out of it. I enjoyed it even having mixed experiences with the Catholic Church
I hope this helps in some way.
All My Love,
Jack C. Giacobbe